Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
