Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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