4 words: hood of his car
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
