perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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