Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
