i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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