a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
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stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
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We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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