i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
