just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
