Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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