just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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