hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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