I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Randomize
