you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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