WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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