...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
