I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
