now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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