i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
