If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I wish you could order shots online.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
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