That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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