I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
