Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he puts the penis in happiness.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
