but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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