I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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