Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
