Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
