awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
