you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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