a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
