found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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