I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
