it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
