I cannot find my penis.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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