I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Small penises have feelings too.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
