The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
