Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
