My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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