Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
