oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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