Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
