I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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