life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My boob is missing a layer of skin
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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