Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
