And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
