these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
