Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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