my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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