Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
