When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Randomize
