you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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