glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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