Are we in a gay sports bar?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He felt like a one man threesome
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
