I wish I could punch you in the face.
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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