Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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